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Jan. 29th, 2008 05:00 pm language ponderings

It's kind of a strange situation - I force them to speak English, which is the point of it all, but how odd when they speak to one another in english for my benefit. Because normally they speak french, but if the conversation starts in english (between me and ce-n for example) then it will continue if someone interrupts (n-n for example). And then the things I don't correct when c-n (the mother) is talking to me i suddenly thing i should correct when i hear the children repeating the incorrect english. But i don't usually in these situations. I still feel awkward correcting in everyday speech the way I always have with P-a or anyone else to whom english isnt their first language. The way i see it is that language is for communicating and if you can get your point across then why should it matter if you do it in the exact way that some "they" has defined it to be done? And this brings me back to dad correcting my "good" vs. "well" or something - which i do now appreciate because when i hear americans speak badly i cringe. I guess it seems that as a native speaker you don't have an excuse - that you should know the right way before you can play and expand and redefine the language. But as a foreign speaker you are forced to define the language in the way you can - it still is redefining. You are redefining according to your native language. You are constantly translating to make sense of the words.

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Jan. 18th, 2008 09:43 am

It's orange season, winter, though here it feels like prolonged early spring. Rarely cold, always rainy. I wish I could post poems here but found that I can't if i want to publish. This would be considered a publishing. I guess i say that right now because telling is tedious.
I wrote something about modeling for H-p-a...it wasn't a good time. He's somewhat of a creep. Pretends he understands philosophy and psychology but has no idea about female psychology. So anyway, i wrote something about it and sent it to I-n, the artist I met once but who is too broke to pay me to model for him right now. He's a strange character but not a creep, far as i can tell. Just spastic i think. Talks a lot and asks a lot of questions. And for english being his second language, he's pretty damn fast at speaking english. Reminds me a bit of Janet, mom's friend, but more interesting. So I sent him the poem with the caption: 'a new rough poem' and he wrote back saying, 'this isnt rough, its good stuff...really good.' He ignored everything else i said in the email about sorry things aren't going well etc etc but that's ok. Then he texted me and said 'like i said in my email, it's a very good poem. A friend liked it too.' I haven't modeled for him, but this was the kind of exchange i was looking for when i set out to model. I'm glad I know now. When I modeled for H-a's class Wed, I told him "pour la semaine prochain, mercredi encore?" in other words, NOT friday for him... he said "bien suuuuur" the way he always does, slow and deliberate like a fucking fool. I didnt mind modeling for his class but i'm just so annoyed by men right now and since he was one of the men who led me to feel a bit weirded out i might just say no more. Annoying since i changed my lessons around for him. But i'm sure I'll be able to find others. We'll see.
So i'm debating about my hair again. For a while i decided i liked it this length that L-l-a cut it at. I think i'll do it tho- cut it shorter. I'm listening to Polly Pretty Polly. Such a great creepy song! I love it. "willy oh willy I'm afeared for my life. willy oh willy i'm afeared for my life. I'm afraid you mean to murder me and leave me behind. Pretty polly pretty polly you guessin about right. Polly pretty polly you guessin bout right. I've been diggin your grave for the best part of last night." Why's that so good? It's just out of the blue that she suddenly knows he's going to kill her. At first she's no idea. At first they run off for some fun then all of the sudden she just Knows. he's going to kill her and he says Yup. C'est vrai. And he kills her.
The rest of the song - ih. Something about the devil etc etc, but that's not important.

Current Location: my room - france
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: polly pretty polly - judy collins

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Jan. 8th, 2008 05:25 pm Alberto Giacometti, l'oeuvre gravé

Ok, it's been forever since I've written here but I was going to try to keep track of things a little here so i'll do my best to catch up. Today I went to the Bibliotheque National - the old one - and saw an exhibition "Alberto Giacometti, l'oeuvre gravé." "gravé being etchings... i think that's what they're called. it's printmaking. I wasn't planning on going to it, in fact i thought the BN was actually a library, but it's now a specialized research library which also has art exhibitions. So instead of finding a bunch of books to read, i spent a couple hours studying the prints. They were so completely perfect and realistic with so few lines depicting everything.
It was encouraging - I think I'm starting a drawing class. Something I've found or maybe just become more used to is going with the flow - accepting what you do understand and going with it until you understand more. I got a job modeling for a Czec artist who speaks fluent french but very little english - so we've done all our conversing in french. I THINK he offered to give me drawing classes and i think i accepted... i know i would have if that was what he was in fact offering... so i think i will be taking drawing from him on friday. Though i might just be modeling for him. Either way, it will be really exciting to be working with him because he seems to be a pretty damn good artist. I know i'm going to have to be careful, there seems to be quite a difference between the artists i've come across here and the artists I've worked with or known in the past. The ones here have all been men and the artists i've known in the past have mostly been women - and younger women. But there is definitely more sexuality involved in working with the male artists, even if it isn't explicit (though as i found, it is sometimes completely about sexuality, and not art at all.) But with the latest guy, his work is really passionate. From what i've seen, i like it a lot. So it will be interesting, a bit scary but i think good, to model for this kind of art...
I have to go teach english now, i'll probably write more when i get back. I'm really tired today, maybe still a bit sick and it's the first week back to a normal schedule. I missed the normal schedule - i floated more than ever during christmas and now i'm glad to be a bit grounded. Christmas was so terrifying. But anyway, i'm tired so not going to do much tonight except iron because i have to. So back in a bit.

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Dec. 5th, 2007 08:48 pm

I havent written in a while but really want to try to keep up more or less. What's been happening...
S-t's getting married. I can't believe it (i mean of course i can...its s-t. We all knew he'd be the first. And he is, he's the first of my real friends to get married. M-n from HS got married but that was cuz she got pregnant and she really wasn't a friend for longer than a year. I never knew her baby. her boyfriend was a doofus. (i love that word).
I'm really happy for s-t. I am not jealous, but it made me feel a bit lonely for somebody. I dont want to rush it and there's no way in hell i'm going to get involved with someone who i'm not very very sure about. It's gotten a little bit easier - i'm getting used to it, but it definitely took time to convert the energy from "relationship" energy to "other" energy. I think it's mostly converted?
Went to a reading of a play Monday and Tuesday both. The first one wasn't as good but it made me think of P-a and the second one was hilarious and made me think of P-a. Strange. People have stages in my thoughts when they are so completely there. H-y has done that quite often too.
I submitted some poems today finally. First time submitting! I found some great poems i hadn't thought much of when i wrote but realized they had the quality i really strive for - kind of flippant, not melodramatic. Its my way of getting away from how i originally wrote poetry -- very badly. I will post one after. I also rediscovered the one really weird one i wrote when i was with J-n. Actually I have a LOT of good poems from those 3 months. I guess i needed somewhere to put the energy he was unable to give and recieve. Strange.... Because the person who did that energy exchange best left me with shit to write about. BTW he wrote me a note to which i responded to which he did not respond. Oh well, figures. Pathetic jerk. I really don't hardly care anymore. P-a was right, it's pride more than anything. Of course i lost pride because originally i was vulnerable to him but at this point it is allllll pride. And knowing that i'm getting or have gotten over it.
I quit my day class for private (EXPENSIVE) lessons which I'm just gonna take for a week then i'm left hanging. Sophie said she'd give me lessons, so hopefully I'll learn as much from her as i would have in class. We will do an even exchange - english for french. I'm a little nervous having done that but i suppose i can always take it back up.
I talked to WICE about volunteering to edit for the lit mag and they haven't contacted me but i forgot to fill out the official sheet. So if they dont get me tomorrow i will go in tomorrow... yeah, i can go tomorrow why not. I am having a hard time putting French as a priority. I am much much more interested in the poetry and literature things going on. I guess it's not a horrible thing unless i want to work here next year (which i do) and cant because i didn't learn french well enough. Ok shit, i will study more. French french and french. then poetry. But first french. dammit.

Current Music: james blunt i really want you

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Dec. 1st, 2007 12:06 am

I'm beginning to think i must leave here. Not france but this house. There is nothing that is so wrong i can leave on the base of that - and that is the problem. The problem is simply that i want more. I want complete freedom. I want to live in Paris, have my own place and find a job that wont kill be but will bring me some money. Not only do I want to, I think i can and that makes this even harder. Morally, i should stay. We signed a contract. It was an "at will" contract, but we are on the understanding that unless something goes terribly wrong (such as illness or death in the family) i will stay. And because i know i should stay, morally, i convince my logic that i couldnt find another way anyway, and that has been my problem in life. When something feels wrong morally I tell myself I cant do it anyway so I feel less frustrated. But it ends up just making me feel crappy anyway, just in a different way. It makes me feel weaker and weaker and more and more helpless. So in a way i want to do this - leave - to prove to myself that i CAN do it. But maybe what would be best is to just admit that yes, i want to leave but know that it would feel morally wrong so acknowledge that it will be a little bit frustrating to stay but at least i know if i wanted i could find a way to leave. And i will find a way to leave. I am here until the end of june and that is only another ... dec-jan, feb, mar, , june, 7 months. Gr. A little more than a half a year. And it can be enough to love Paris and feel free when I'm there. And it can be enough to do what i can to build my resistance to the bullshit of other people's tense energy and obsessiveness so that later, if i come across it again, i won't give a shit if they need their house cleaned twice a week and freak out about when their beautiful ten year old son gets a low grade in English because he is too busy living in his mind instead of studying verbs he sees no reason at all to study. Man i'm hungry again. But i was going to do yoga before i ate so i wouldnt have a full stomach..more in a min.
Going out soon. Writing group at Shakespeare and Co. bookstore and then dinner and the music thing with C-a and maybe C-n who i met at the open mic. C-s didnt write me back. I thought about him for two days straight and was ready to kill him for writing me. Now I dont give a shit. Now i think i may have told him to fuck off without really meaning to... you know, the tone of things, the tone of my response. I wonder how many times people tell eachother to fuck off without meaning to and how many times its really for the best. You really have to learn to trust the right things. The right part of you and the right energy in the world. I don't really have anything against him but .. i was vulnerable to him, very very and he took that for granted. I dont blame him, he didnt know any better same way i didnt.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Elton John Free Man in Paris...

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Nov. 29th, 2007 03:55 pm from last weekend sunday

Words, art, music, poetry of course, literature, film, people, production and destruction. Rodin: La Porte de l'Enfer. Three works by VanGogh. Felt good and one...the girl...Renoir. And now i must wait for dinner, save the half piece of chocolate in my pocket. Because I can’t spend money I don’t have (though everyone does it.) This chocolate is cocoa mixed with butter and solidified. You don’t touch art, even the ones in the garden covered in spider webs and rain. But they take pictures. Cheese! Smile in front of the gate to hell! It’s just a joke to most people. No one gives a shit about the meaning of anything. Take a picture of me holding the lenscap, wearing my napsac, standing with a smirk before the gate to hell. That is why I should have waited until my day off rather than coming on sunday.

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Nov. 28th, 2007 06:21 pm

he's just too a million miles now. you are a million miles away. i can tell u how i am thats it. thats it. i dont care what country, u are a million miles away

Current Music: river joni mitchel and mix

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Nov. 27th, 2007 04:09 pm

I've found where some of the freedom comes from: not understanding naturally. From the ability to tune out. From being able to read, write and think on the subway. Being able to concentrate. Not having the fear of my writing being read before it's ready. I think I am somewhat attention-deficite-disorder. I went to an english bookstore and couldn't think of the author's name (Ray Bradbury!) for all the talking. For all I could not block out. I wonder if it will stay this way as i learn or if it will become easier to understand french and therefore harder to block it out. Next I'll have to go to Italy. Where conversations can be classical music again.

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Nov. 25th, 2007 12:59 pm

Cold for November. Let's have a fire. Energy disappeared then came back. I feel cold on my back but nowhere else. There was one with my whole family. There are pictures somewhere. There was only one child then, not three. We said it was too cold, perhaps too cold. It wasn't though, not for my memory. Bundled, so happy together. Bundled and glowing. I will come back to this.

There is energy- people follow this energy - they just do. We are all proof of that. (The change is happening so fast right now.) Hundreds of thousands of strangers each day regarding you differently day to day. It's not a coincidence. It's not what you're wearing. Come back to this too.

Will find the Rodin Museum today. The energy that I thought was disappearing last night has come back frantically. It is never a calm energy. I will have to relearn to breathe. Reapprendre. I resent that I am not totally free, that I must appear at certain times to do what could be done without me. But life is about finding freedom. Preparing for death and love is all. Maybe more but death and love for sure.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Come together - done by Joe Cocker for Across the Universe

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Nov. 22nd, 2007 06:54 am

Coffee and chocolate croissant. Am running late - i don't care. Tired and sick of this. Yesterday was early so I'll be just fine. Yes, just fine. Dreamt I took a vacation home and when my logical mind interfered and said, Hey, if you're home that means you have to buy another ticket to go back! Then I reminded myself it was okay it was just a dream vacation, in my mind. Then it was mom visiting me with Luna and i wanted her to guess which was my apartment. There was some kind of dark element working though too. Later maybe. With H-y. Some kind of party. Andother "what your supposed to do" dream. This time I took part and she did too but she was careless and i wasnt and I tried to protect her but she was in her careless distant mindset, the one that sometimes means she's really reallly upset. God I miss her. I wish she'd visit me. I am so easy to tears lately about home things. There was the dog the other day with bandages but who was so happy and i thought of luna and cried. Its just 2 seconds of the crying you hardly notice happens except there are tears. Then it passes.
I need my iPod today even though yesterday I left it at home for fear that while hitchhiking it would get stolen. That's silly. Maybe not. I don't know. Damn, tired. It's moring, always funny in the morning.

Current Mood: indifferentindifferent

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